How to be a Perfect Novice Diver

by Susan Denim

Looking back though copies of several dive magazines I noticed that several articles had been written about the requirements to qualify as an instructor (various grades progressively available) or even the dizzy level of First Class Diver. Informative as the articles are they miss out on two basic facts overlooked by the authors, all of whom are MEN.

( They wouldn't dare NOT read the magazine -they may feature in it - whether they like it or not - Ed.)

Here is some advice for those of you who are just embarking on dive training.

Firstly, if you get the opportunity to join a group with a good instructor, like shopping this involves reading the labels.

The ones with round blue labels are Assistant Club Instructors. In clothes terms these could be likened to supermarket jeans, serviceable but unexciting. Lots about ( a bit common really) but keen and enthusiastic. The Blue and yellow ones with the single star are Club Instructors. In clothes terms rather like chain store products, a little bit of style but almost every club has one.

The ones with two stars are advanced instructors. In quality these can be variable and range from Barbour and Pringle to Jaeger and similar. Solid, predicable and very good but not common by any means. The better ones are likely to be away on Instructor events and their involvement with Boat Handling and other coaching scheme events means they are rarely found instructing in a mere swimming pool. They are experienced 'open water instructors' and well worth cultivating for when you escape from the confines of the pool.

As for the ones with the really classy badges with three stars. These are National Instructors. Defiantly designer label stuff this; Jean Muir, Gucci, Emmanuel and better. Very exclusive and unbelievably good. Your branch might actually have one since after all, like us, they are mere mortals and do have to pay a membership fee to somewhere. Unlikely to be seen at the pool though and improbable that they will be present for branch dives. The most likely contact would be the odd missive to the branch newsletter and in all probability that will be from Hong Kong, the Caymans or somewhere similarly exotic. Well you couldn't wear that designer ball gown at the Women's Institute jumble sale. Could you? Can sometimes be cornered at the branch Christmas Dinner. They do tend to be experts on world-wide dive sites. Some are even experts on the two Best British dive sites ( reputedly Loch Long and InverKip on the Clyde).

In real terms the best bet for price, delivery, availability, quality and all round dependability is undoubtedly a Club Instructor. After all that you may as well select a good looking one, even a 'hunk' if that is your type. At this stage it is well worth pointing out that the average diver is 'compact'. Tall, big divers are few and far between and that is probably due the weight of the equipment, which tends to 'weed-out' those with a disposition to back trouble ( and, of course, that can be restrictive in other activities too).

Definitely avoid anyone with halitosis since you will be spending a lot of time face to face. That should not be a problem since only the most insignificant ( percentage) of divers are smokers. You may find the ODD instructor that smokes but HE is likely to be old and one of the original coterie of instructors who invented the qualifications years ago and then signed each other up in the pub. Unlikely that any of them will meet a mere novice. According to legend some of them can be recognised by the callouses on their hands from pulling up ladders.

You will, if so peculiarly afflicted, have to overcome any phobia or even slight aversion to beards. The extremely peculiar male 'fashion' for removing the facial hair that develops as a sign of male sexual maturity has never really caught on with divers. As an attempt to look like a woman by removing the sexual hairs it has similar implications to women who bind up or flatten their breasts in an attempt to look boyish or more manly.

In general terms few divers male or female seem to suffer from such gender confusions or even an unwillingness to discuss sex. Having got the introductions over let's look at what you and your selected instructor are going to do ( during training silly!!!). At the 'come and try it' session we had a pretty little slide show, then a rather macho lecture about the dangers and finally a swim around the pool will all the gear.

Difficult really to imagine what is left! I did however find a gold ear ring which is probably the most treasure that one is actually going to find ever! Just when I thought that I might enjoy diving I was treated to even more lectures on the various ways of killing oneself plus lots on how to thwart the attempts of others in that endeavour. Then there are lots of lectures about diving equipment. Many of these will miss out the crucial points. For example, there will be a long discourse on wet suits v drysuits, neoprene v membrane and diagrams showing hypothermia -or was it hyperthermia?

Important point missed out - FINGERNAILS. Pulling on a tight neoprene wet suit definitely does NOT help you to keep your beautifully manicured nails. Dry suits are better but do tend to tear in contact with sharp nails.

Throughout the lectures the instructor will constantly catch your eye. This is a B.S.A.C technique and does not necessarily intimate anything more than a professional interest - do not wink, leer or make suggestive faces in return. After the intellectual stimulation of the lectures come the delights of the pool. Briefings will be given each week and cover all important parts of the pool session. .

SAFETY:- Your attention will be drawn to the dangers of hyperventilation, mask squeeze, burst lung and ruptured ear drum. After having repeatedly stressed the danger of breath holding your instructor now has a surprise for you. Each week your instructor will lie on the pool bottom, fill his lungs, hold his breath and start to slowly float upwards, whilst still holding his breath. You will then be required to repeat this manoeuvre!

EQUIPMENT:- In training you will use a single hose demand valve. My instructor had one with two mouthpieces, a contents gauge, a suit inflation hose and a direct feed for a stab. jacket which to me, made a total of five hoses. So if it has got one or more hoses it is a single hose - I Think!!!!

EXERCISES:- Ignoring the fact that all good novices read up the training drills you will be constantly reminded what the pool exercises will be.

DISCIPLINE:- You will be reminded to pay attention! What this means is that the instructor will position himself so as to have the best view of what is going on in other parts of the pool.

SIGNALS:- Having bored the pants of you in a lecture on signals, that is not all. Each pool session you will be treated like a congenital idiot and asked to demonstrate the 'handful' of signal you were given.

Bear with your instructor - he means well. His training will have been so thorough that he won't even realise that for the umpteenth week he has asked you if you know the signal for up. Humour him and play along even if you are tempted to demonstrate a very similar signal.

Oh - I nearly forgot questions. B.S.A.C training can have a brainwashing effect! If you have any questions please direct them to the Diver Letters Page, then all those clever instructors out there can provide the answers.